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"Your judges for American Idol! Randy Jackson! A piece of leather! Hennifer Lopess!" The judges were introduced to a wild screaming crowd, but the footage was presented like it was a clip from last season.
Jennifer Lopez wants to change someone's life. I have lady wood for Jennifer Lopez. Steven Tyler is thirsty and hungry for a new Janis Joplin. Steven Tyler killed my lady wood.
Randy Jackson has dropped the "dawg" and replaced it with the "wow." I can't believe this is season 10. I think I watch every third season or so.
Clips from the judging. Jennifer Lopez has a different hairstyle in every single shot of her. Steven Tyler is cracking my shit up. Randy Jackson is exactly the same but with uglier glasses.
This year's winner gets a record deal with Interscope Records, helmed by Jimmy Iovine, who will be working with contestants throughout the contest, hopefully producing a better debut album for the winner than we have heard in the past.
Commercial! Man, I haven't typed this much, this fast in a long time.
New Jersey auditions took place in a fricking STADIUM full of people.
[delay due to naughty preschooler]
So, it's true. Acid washed jeans are back. Curly-haired chick auditioned in Season 6 and was cut on the first day in Hollywood. She can sing. [Please take note of my specific, technical critique.] The judges are less than impressed, but they let her through because they think she has potential to be better. Jen (we're besties, she said it was ok to call her that), lets her through based on her Season 6 audition, but tells her to get it together or she'll be cut on the first day again. Ouch.
Caleb wears a tiny tee with horizontal stripes. What the fuck, dudes? Buy tees that fit. And shave. This is an audition. He sings ok, then his voice cracks, then he is thrown a little. It wasn't that great, but the judges are gushing.
A 15-year-old named Kenzie. Of course that's her name. She goes to performing arts school. She's good, kind of smoky and twangy at the same time. Steven Tyler says he didn't feel "that pizazz." Randy agrees. She sings better than the other two combined. I am already irritated with the judges. She's in. Jen's with me and says, "You two are crazy."
Astounding. Yes. I like you! Yes, yes, yes! Welcome to Hollywood. That felt so good. And, a bunch more are through.
Here come the terrible, painful screechers. First up is a girl from Ivory Coast. She said she is singing a Madonna song, but I can't even tell what it is. Steven Tyler tells her she is terrible but uses technical words, which really softens the blow. Jen, doesn't know how to tell her she sucks. Randy says, "Singing is not your thing, baby."
Commercial! Time for diet root beer. Looks like there will be crying coming up.
Ryan makes some cracks about Jersey that I don't care about. Shots of truly horrific fashion. Ugly chick with cardboard gold stars taped to her tits. Really. She thinks she's hot. Really. She told us. Also, she wants to make Jennifer Lopez cry. She can't even look at JLo without going into the ugly cry. Jen Jen gives her a hug and tells her to pull it together and "do great." She's singing an original song about being put through to the next round. She screeches a high note but first whips out the tits. She puts them away to sing a real song. It's a lot better. She is a little overly dramatic with her movements. ST: "You proved to me you can really sing your tushula off." She's in.
More terrible singers. I get that people want to see the train wrecks, but I am so grateful that American Idol has really cut back on these. ST seems to be the most sensitive of the judges and lets the contestants down as easy as he can. JLo just can't tell them no, until she encounters an Amber Riley look-a-like who pushes her over the edge.
Robbie Rosen was in a wheelchair when he was five because he had hip tendonitis. They bothered to interview his mom so, clearly, he makes it through to Hollywood. Also, he made me feel like a dusty bag of bones by saying he has dreamed of coming to American Idol since he was seven years old. He kills "Yesterday," one of the only songs I like by the Beatles. Leatherface likes him. JLo makes his head explode by telling him she thinks he's cute. Randy's his old self again and expounds upon "crazy, mad vocals."
Commercials! Some girl bites it on the stairs and crawls away in utter humiliation.
Montage! Steven Tyler gets pervy over any barely legal thing with long legs.
Nerdy Boy Scout made a nerdy PSA about not texting while driving. Did AI show it to us because he gets through or did they show it to us just to embarrass him? The judges make fun of his Opie straw hat and ask him if he is going fishing. Oh, he's terrible. That's just mean, AI.
This spazzy dude burps when he is nervous, so we are treated to a montage of that. He can kind of sing, but he is so into "Proud Mary" that it is truly embarrassing. JLo tells ST to make him stop. ST asks him if he ate a lot of paint chips. Spazoid says he can do better but, really, he can't.
They film the next contestant coming out of the porta-potty. Way to keep it classy, AI. This girl is rough, but she is fun. She idolizes Britney Spears. She wants everyone to have to hear sing. She kills "Gimme, Gimme" from Thoroughly Modern Millie, and is met by silence. She is crying and asks, "So, is that a no?" Jenny tells her she is more for musicals than AI. She begs in a very endearing and outgoing manner, then breaks down sobbing. It's still a no for Randy, but JLo caves and so does Aerosmith. She is, hands down, my favorite so far. I love a hot mess.
Commercial! H&R Block will do your taxes. Dude, that's a downer I didn't need right now.
Sixteen-year-old Something Huggins from North Carolina is sweeter than pie and more annoying than anyone else I have seen in a long, long time. She is vlogging her AI experience. I can only hope this will be the last installment. "I am in it to win it." "I've got what it takes." "It is my time to shine." She can sing and the judges are charmed. She throws out a, "Yo, yo, dawg," to get Randy on board with Jen and Leatherface. God help us all, she's in.
The last person to audition is a former refugee from Kosovo. She was a little girl when her family moved to the United States. Cue the heartwrenching war montage. Her parents looks so sad and so hopeful. Oh, thank goodness, she can sing. ST likes her understated beauty, oh, and her singing. She's in.
Later, Jersey. Oh, crap. That was just Day One.
Next up is a singing waitress at a restaurant in Times Square. We see clips of her singing at work so, let me guess, she's in. Devyn Rush can sing. Big surprise. Blech, scatting. ST thought it was delicious like dessert. Jen Jen loved it. RJ says she is not dressed the part, so it was unexpected. JLo tells her that she is a star and she needs to start acting like that and looking like that. She's in. Duh.
Really, Randy? "It's a singing competition first, and that girl can blow!"
More terrible singers. One guy looks as terrible as he sings. The judges give false to one contestant by singing along with her. Steven Tyler calls Randy a bleeping bleephole after he coldly tells the chick no.
Commercial! Smartphones! Why don't you have one?
Crazy Japanese dude does crazy Michael Jackson dancing. A.k.a. Yoji Pop says he has been imitating Michael Jackson since he was two years old, no before he was born. He was moonwalking in the womb, suckers! But he isn't going to sing Michael Jackson for us, he is singing Miley Cyrus. I can't understand a damn word out of his mouth. Oh, and he isn't a good singer. He does whip out a couple smooth MJ moves, but his dancing pretty much sucks, too.
Oh, no. This Miley Cyrus song, "Party in the USA," is the one they make all the contestants sing, so now we are treated to a medley of suckitude, punctuated by my husband's farts. This is truly the worst.
Commercial! Coming up, it gets worse!
Yeah, it really does.
Steven Tyler begs of one contestant from Staten Island, "Please be the next American Idol. Please." Since we have to listen to her scratchy-voiced dad talk about doo-wop, I am guessing she is. Oh, he had throat cancer. Way to be a jackass, Michelle. Her name is Brielle. She has a nice ass, but you can't say anything about it because she is 16. She sings "Endless Love" well enough to get through. Steven Tyler is taking over Paula's job of starting off with a compliment about her clothes and her hair. The judges ask the dad in. Why? Who the hell knows. To witness them all saying yes to her, I guess. Jen Jen and Randy say she has some work to do but she has potential and she is going to Hollywood.
Brielle? Kenzie? What the fuck are people naming their kids these days?
Commercials! Drink Coke or else you're a Communist!
Sob story! I need to win so I can support my family! We lost our home in the recession! There are murders in our neighborhood! The last contestant in New Jersey! He likes the Beatles! He sings it all jazzy! I am nearly done! Steven Tyler asks for another piece! Jason Mraz! "You done done me." That's right, AI. Why you gotta do me like that? Are you still reading this? His bleach blonde mom is crying in the hallway. COME ON ALREADY. The judges let in another 16-year-old. His mom totally loses her shit.
The judges selected 51 people from New Jersey auditions to go to Hollywood. See you tomorrow, in New Orleans.