Sex

Hump List: All-Stars Edition

Watching the season finale of Saturday Night Live, hosted by Justin Timberlake with musical guest Lady Gaga, I was reminded how much I would like hump JT. You may recall that JT has made an appearance in a Hump List of yore. (This one, but not this one or that one.) That got me thinking about all of the Hump List veterans. Adam Levine has also been on my mind (in my dreams) lately due to his weekly appearance in my living room via The Voice. The Hump List was due for an update anyway, so why not have an All-Stars Edition?

Justin Timberlake

Tall, cute, and funny. That's good enough for me.

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Adam Levine

Swarthy, sexy, competitive.

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Henry Cavill

The new Superman is one sexy motherfucker.

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Matthew Morrison

A bit short but, oh, so pretty.

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BONUS HUMPEE!

Although this one has never been included in a past list, the time has come to reveal my lady crush on Sofia Vergara. Am I right?

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The Freebie List a.k.a. My Humps a.k.a. Celebrity F*ck List

I call it the Freebie List because I don't curse much and the Fuck List sounds vulgar. Regardless of what it is called, this is a list of well-known people that I may have sex with, should the situation arise, and my husband will say, "Well done, you," instead of, "I divorce you." This list has evolved over time. (See Three Boys I'd Like to Do It With and Three Men Who Want Me.) It's time for an update to reflect my cougar phase. (I am 35. Can that really be cougar age?) Also, it looks like I have decided I get to sleep with five men instead of three.

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Three Men Who Want Me

I used to write for a friend's web mag, Clark Schpiell Productions. This piece was published there September 20, 2004 (my 30th birthday, coincidentally).

Threemen One year ago, I wrote "Three Boys I'd Like to Do It With." The celebrities I would have been able to have sex with over the past year with permission from my husband were Justin Timberlake, Orlando Bloom and Benjamin McKenzie. But I'm 30 for Christ's sake and those boys don't do it for me anymore.

Brad Pitt, though out of the running for a full year, has managed to increase his virility and sex appeal through pills, a pact with the devil or good, old-fashioned plastic surgery.  Brad successfully fought Orlando Bloom for my affections and won, reclaiming his place among the select group of men who can ravage me anytime they want. Farewell, Keebler Elf.

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Three Boys I'd Like to Do It With

I used to write for a friend's web mag, Clark Schpiell Productions. This piece was published there September 15, 2003.

Threeboys Every married person I know has a list of famous people they get to have sex with if they ever meet. My husband's potentials include Marissa Tomei, Denise Richards and, rotating in and out of third place, Heather Graham and some redhead named Dina something who was in Starship Troopers. I think she played a slut.

For the longest time, my list consisted of Brad Pitt, Gabriel Byrne and Elijah Wood, who I would, of course, wait to defile until he turned 18 and decided to like girls instead of boys. After the first X-Men movie came out, Hugh Jackman replaced the aging Gabriel -- sorry, old man. After the Lord of the Rings came out and I saw a teeny tiny Elijah with huge, hairy feet, he was out. I replaced Elijah with Tom Welling when I started watching Smallville. I figured I needed to keep a youngster in the ranks.

Something started happening in my life that I'd failed to notice. I and all of my friends were hurtling toward thirty at an alarming pace. By the time that the Lord of the Rings came out on DVD, several of my friends had actually turned thirty and were wondering why they weren't married. We didn't think they let you cross that border without a husband.

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