Madonna, the Super Bowl, and American Patriotism


I saw this tweet today, and it got me thinking about national pride and patriotism.

I was about to reply that I liked the halftime show, but then I stopped myself. That wasn't the part of the tweet to which I really wanted to respond.

I do hope that the rest of the world judges America by that halftime show. Think about all of the elements that were in it. A powerful, self-made woman has forged a decades-long career as an artist who has constantly pushed the boundaries of tolerance and censorship. She bared her body and danced in a way that is forbidden in many parts of the world, and even punishable by death. She shared the stage with women and men of different races and, presumably, different sexual orientations and religions. Think about how much our own country has changed. Can you imagine Madonna performing the Super Bowl halftime show thirty, twenty, or even ten years ago? I can't. She wasn't ready for it then, and it wasn't ready for her. The rest of the world watches what the United States does. Others take their cues from us, for better or for worse. For the most part, though, things are better here than elsewhere, and things are better now than they have been in the past.

It is election season and, even though we are only in the primaries, partisan politics are ugly already. Each side considers itself to be the true patriots, the true Americans, but both are wrong. Patriotism is a "devoted love, support, and defense of one's country," not one's political party. There are flaws in our system. Our country has its troubles but, if you are true patriot, you love it, you support it, and you defend it. That doesn't mean you have to accept the status quo, but you do need to acknowledge the things that are great about America. Our country was founded on the principles of individualism and equality. That is what has afforded you the right to express your opinion about a middle-aged white lady and fat black man singing on a stage halfway through an inexplicably popular sporting event. And I support that.

Hump List: All-Stars Edition

Watching the season finale of Saturday Night Live, hosted by Justin Timberlake with musical guest Lady Gaga, I was reminded how much I would like hump JT. You may recall that JT has made an appearance in a Hump List of yore. (This one, but not this one or that one.) That got me thinking about all of the Hump List veterans. Adam Levine has also been on my mind (in my dreams) lately due to his weekly appearance in my living room via The Voice. The Hump List was due for an update anyway, so why not have an All-Stars Edition?

Justin Timberlake

Tall, cute, and funny. That's good enough for me.


Adam Levine

Swarthy, sexy, competitive.


Henry Cavill

The new Superman is one sexy motherfucker.


Matthew Morrison

A bit short but, oh, so pretty.



Although this one has never been included in a past list, the time has come to reveal my lady crush on Sofia Vergara. Am I right?


American Idol Live Blog 2-10-2011

It's the kick-off of Hollywood Week. A bunch of kids scream their fool heads off when they get to the hotel, which looks like a regular hotel. Half of the contestants are going home today.

First up is Brett Loewenstern, a.k.a. Simply Red Mini. He sings "Let It Be" with a lovely, scratchy voice. He makes it in along with a girl named Symphony and an unnamed black kid. A few more unnamed kids make it in along with an annoying girl from NY, named Rachel Zevita. Thia Megia makes it in, too. Casey Abrams, too. All these kids are annoying the crap out of me with their song choices already. I hate that jazzy crap.

Aw, sweet-as-pie Victoria Huggins is up now. She sings a very pageanty, shouty rendition of something annoying. Oh. She did not make it. Sad for her. Not so much for those of us who plan to watch the rest of the season.

The next group contains James Durbin (Tourrettes guy from last night) and Paris Tassin, the mom of the deaf girl. She does a fantastic job on "My Heart Will Go On." He rocks it out on some song I don't recognize, but isn't as good as he was last night. Stormi Henley, who impressed the male judges with her looks, but got a "no" from Jennifer, does ok, but Jennifer was right the first time around. Lauren Alaina does a great job on "Unchained Melody." Stormi doesn't make it, but the other three do, along with an unnamed black chick.

Chris Medina, the one with the fiancee with the traumatic brain injury, leads off the next group. I wish he would cut his hair. He was so much cuter. He does not do nearly as well as he did at his audition, but he is the only one in his group who makes it through.

Montage of a bunch of girls losing their shit on stage. The nerves are too much for some of them, but not for Jacee Badeaux, the tubby 15-year-old. He is just great. Robbie Rosen does a nice job, too. Hollie Cavanagh does well, too, but maybe she was sharp? There was something I didn't like. They all make it in.

Accountant, Steve Beghun, is apparently young enough to be on the stage, but he doesn't look it. Dude looks my age. Good thing he has a day job because he is out. A bunch of other people didn't make it either, and there are tears, oh, so many tears.

The show came back from commercials, but I didn't notice because I was busy checking out SXSW parties. All I missed was product placement from Ford. First up is a montage of kids who just suck. If they had done this poorly during auditions, they definitely would not have made it this far.

AI makes a big deal about an ex-couple and a current couple. The ex-bf has a nice voice, but he sings so slowly, I worried he'd fallen asleep. The ex-gf sings very well, too. Nick Fink, one half of the current couple, is very cheesy in his shiny jacket. Jacqueline Dunford has nice eyelashes. One makes it in but the other doesn't. They'll tell us she made it, after the commercial.

I was right. She's in, he's out. Also, she is cuter than he is. He begs for a second chance. He thinks he would have done better if Randy hadn't cut him off. He sings on his way out of the auditorium. It isn't good. Randy tells him no. Ah, desperation.

Scotty McCreery, the kid with the baritone, is up next. He is great again, with the same song he sang for auditions. Jackie Wilson sings the same song again, better this time. Jerome Bell wants to get it on with me again. They make it in with a few unnamed kids.

Up next, looks like a trainwreck.

Tiffany Rios, the one who had the stars on her tits, is boastful and has glitter in her hair. Her singing is overwrought. Jennifer says, "I like her. She's crazy." Travis Orlando, cute kid who was in a shelter or something, does a terrible job on "This Love." She makes it. He doesn't. Poor kid.

More people made it through, including a couple cuties from last night, and the White House intern from a few shows ago. Also, a hot mess made it through.

Next week, is the group portion, where they have to team up with a few others to perfom. I don't like that part. So much drama. See you then!

Fast Car

When Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car" was released in 1988, I heard it a lot on my favorite radio station. I loved Tracy's voice. I loved the song. As a teenager, the song seemed hopeful and rebellious. Tracy was full of independence and drive. She was going to get out of there and do something with her life.

This morning, "Fast Car" played on my favorite Pandora station. It's a different song for me now. It is still lovely, but I listened to all the lyrics and paid attention to the ending, and it is heartbreaking. I almost gave it a thumbs down so it wouldn't play again on that Pandora station, but I left it. There is still a bit of hope in the last couple lines.

"Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs

You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

American Idol Live Blog: 1/20/2011

Live blogging starts at 8 PM sharp! Keep refreshing the page for updates.


The New Orleans auditions took place in October. Some guy sobs and plays the piano and wails something about smiling while the jerks at AI flash, "He won't be going to Hollywood," on the screen.

My preschooler is arguing with me about the bed time routine, so I am missing the BS about the line and New Orleans. Ryan Seacrest is trying to say something in French. He is not successful.

Right off, we are in the house of a piano teacher. Let me make a prediction here: He's going to Hollywood. My house is smelly. My husband needs to take out the trash when he gets home. The piano teacher's name is Jordan Dorsey. He is 21. He brought all kinds of family with him. His grandma tells Ryan Seacrest that he looks taller on television. Jordan sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" with a unique arrangement. It's smooth. He's in.

Magenta Lopez matches the set.

A bunch of fugs are coming up after the.... Commercial!

Swamps! Alligators! N'awlins! Montage of weak sauce singers! One girl refuses to stop.

Sarah Sellers has lips like Steven Tyler. You can see the wheels turning, wondering if he missed an illegitimate child. She has a lovely voice and cute shoes. She's going to Hollywood. Jennifer Lopez says Sarah is one of the best they've heard.

A 23-year-old who looks like he is going to play Young Rocky in a flashback, and who works in a ship yard, is wearing a very wide tie. He wants to lay down the law on Jennifer's humps. He sings something in Spanish. He compliments the other two judges so that they don't feel too bad when he loses his load on JLo. He's in, but for some reason, he is getting undressed and Randy and Steven Tyler want to join in. Ok, Shipyard looks good without a shirt. Aerosmith isn't bad, but I never want to see Randy's belly again.

Apparently these auditions lasted until March because it's Mardi Gras after the commericals!

I just realized the show came back on and I didn't even notice. IT IS THAT EXCITING!

The next girl up brought pictures of Randy in high school. Her dad (grandpa?) was Randy's football coach in high school. There is a creepy bit about paddling Randy's butt. The girl is so good, Jen Jen looks like she is going to cry. Randy picks his teeth. Seriously. He says she has a powerful voice. She is going to Hollywood.

Teenage Simply Red is up next. He has a sob story about being picked on. Hey, Red, maybe if you got rid of the giant lady hair, it would help your cause. He sings Queen, very well. Dear, AI, please make this kid cut his hair when he gets to Hollywood. Gushing! Fabulous! Hot! Hollywood!

After the break, more people who suck and more of Randy's patented Crazy Eyes. Commercial!

New Orleans is the birth place of jazz. I hate jazz.

Why do some guys have such gross hair when they would be so attractive with a normal hair cut? I'm looking at you Gabriel Franks. He is singing "Bad Romance" and I like it, even his crazy facial expressions, but not the talking parts because I hate talking in songs. JLo is squirming. Steven Tyler faults the song choice. The NO is quick and unanimous, and it kicks off the montage of losers. One girl looks like a zombie. One dude looks like the King of Spades.

Commercial! Make-up!

Crap, more losers.

Alex is from New Orleans and he went to American Idol Camp. For reals. He was ripped off. This dude can't sing, which comes as a complete surprise to him. Steven Tyler says he strayed too far from the melody. Randy says, "It was terrible, truly terrible."

Now, a porky 15-year-old named Jacee. A girl's name for a boy. Nice parents. He slays the judges with "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay." They let him sing almost the whole song. They are charmed. Of course he is going to Hollywood.

Coming up, a girl with black hair has a sob story that make JLo cry, but not ugly cry. Commercial! Buy a hybrid or you are a capitalist pig!

Paris is 23-years-old and the last person to audition in New Orleans. She got pregnant when she was 18 with a hydrocephalic baby. She decided not to abort. Keira has hearing loss and her momma is singin' for her. She sings Carrie Underwood's "Temporary Home" because it has meaning to her. Sounds like it could be about her, so much that it makes JLo cry. Christ, me too. She is really great. Now everyone is crying. She is going to Hollywood.

Oh, thank goodness, this is not two hours tonight. New Orleans yielded 37 more AI hopefuls headed for Hollywood. Jennifer Lopez was so moved by Paris that she stops to meet the kid and say good-bye to them both on the way out.

See you next week in Milwaukee!

American Idol Live Blog: 1/19/2011

Live blogging starts at 8 PM sharp! Keep refreshing the page throughout the show.


 "Your judges for American Idol! Randy Jackson! A piece of leather! Hennifer Lopess!" The judges were introduced to a wild screaming crowd, but the footage was presented like it was a clip from last season.

Jennifer Lopez wants to change someone's life. I have lady wood for Jennifer Lopez. Steven Tyler is thirsty and hungry for a new Janis Joplin. Steven Tyler killed my lady wood.

Randy Jackson has dropped the "dawg" and replaced it with the "wow." I can't believe this is season 10. I think I watch every third season or so.

Clips from the judging. Jennifer Lopez has a different hairstyle in every single shot of her. Steven Tyler is cracking my shit up. Randy Jackson is exactly the same but with uglier glasses.

This year's winner gets a record deal with Interscope Records, helmed by Jimmy Iovine, who will be working with contestants throughout the contest, hopefully producing a better debut album for the winner than we have heard in the past.

Commercial! Man, I haven't typed this much, this fast in a long time.

New Jersey auditions took place in a fricking STADIUM full of people.

[delay due to naughty preschooler]

So, it's true. Acid washed jeans are back. Curly-haired chick auditioned in Season 6 and was cut on the first day in Hollywood. She can sing. [Please take note of my specific, technical critique.] The judges are less than impressed, but they let her through because they think she has potential to be better. Jen (we're besties, she said it was ok to call her that), lets her through based on her Season 6 audition, but tells her to get it together or she'll be cut on the first day again. Ouch.

Caleb wears a tiny tee with horizontal stripes. What the fuck, dudes? Buy tees that fit. And shave. This is an audition. He sings ok, then his voice cracks, then he is thrown a little. It wasn't that great, but the judges are gushing.


A 15-year-old named Kenzie. Of course that's her name. She goes to performing arts school. She's good, kind of smoky and twangy at the same time. Steven Tyler says he didn't feel "that pizazz." Randy agrees. She sings better than the other two combined. I am already irritated with the judges. She's in. Jen's with me and says, "You two are crazy."

Astounding. Yes. I like you! Yes, yes, yes! Welcome to Hollywood. That felt so good. And, a bunch more are through.

Here come the terrible, painful screechers. First up is a girl from Ivory Coast. She said she is singing a Madonna song, but I can't even tell what it is. Steven Tyler tells her she is terrible but uses technical words, which really softens the blow. Jen, doesn't know how to tell her she sucks. Randy says, "Singing is not your thing, baby."

Commercial! Time for diet root beer. Looks like there will be crying coming up.

Ryan makes some cracks about Jersey that I don't care about. Shots of truly horrific fashion. Ugly chick with cardboard gold stars taped to her tits. Really. She thinks she's hot. Really. She told us. Also, she wants to make Jennifer Lopez cry. She can't even look at JLo without going into the ugly cry. Jen Jen gives her a hug and tells her to pull it together and "do great." She's singing an original song about being put through to the next round. She screeches a high note but first whips out the tits. She puts them away to sing a real song. It's a lot better. She is a little overly dramatic with her movements. ST: "You proved to me you can really sing your tushula off." She's in.

More terrible singers. I get that people want to see the train wrecks, but I am so grateful that American Idol has really cut back on these. ST seems to be the most sensitive of the judges and lets the contestants down as easy as he can. JLo just can't tell them no, until she encounters an Amber Riley look-a-like who pushes her over the edge.

Robbie Rosen was in a wheelchair when he was five because he had hip tendonitis. They bothered to interview his mom so, clearly, he makes it through to Hollywood. Also, he made me feel like a dusty bag of bones by saying he has dreamed of coming to American Idol since he was seven years old. He kills "Yesterday," one of the only songs I like by the Beatles. Leatherface likes him. JLo makes his head explode by telling him she thinks he's cute. Randy's his old self again and expounds upon "crazy, mad vocals."


Commercials! Some girl bites it on the stairs and crawls away in utter humiliation.

Montage! Steven Tyler gets pervy over any barely legal thing with long legs.

Nerdy Boy Scout made a nerdy PSA about not texting while driving. Did AI show it to us because he gets through or did they show it to us just to embarrass him? The judges make fun of his Opie straw hat and ask him if he is going fishing. Oh, he's terrible. That's just mean, AI.


This spazzy dude burps when he is nervous, so we are treated to a montage of that. He can kind of sing, but he is so into "Proud Mary" that it is truly embarrassing. JLo tells ST to make him stop. ST asks him if he ate a lot of paint chips. Spazoid says he can do better but, really, he can't.

They film the next contestant coming out of the porta-potty. Way to keep it classy, AI. This girl is rough, but she is fun. She idolizes Britney Spears. She wants everyone to have to hear sing. She kills "Gimme, Gimme" from Thoroughly Modern Millie, and is met by silence. She is crying and asks, "So, is that a no?" Jenny tells her she is more for musicals than AI. She begs in a very endearing and outgoing manner, then breaks down sobbing. It's still a no for Randy, but JLo caves and so does Aerosmith. She is, hands down, my favorite so far. I love a hot mess.

Commercial! H&R Block will do your taxes. Dude, that's a downer I didn't need right now.

Sixteen-year-old Something Huggins from North Carolina is sweeter than pie and more annoying than anyone else I have seen in a long, long time. She is vlogging her AI experience. I can only hope this will be the last installment. "I am in it to win it." "I've got what it takes." "It is my time to shine." She can sing and the judges are charmed. She throws out a, "Yo, yo, dawg," to get Randy on board with Jen and Leatherface. God help us all, she's in.


The last person to audition is a former refugee from Kosovo. She was a little girl when her family moved to the United States. Cue the heartwrenching war montage. Her parents looks so sad and so hopeful. Oh, thank goodness, she can sing. ST likes her understated beauty, oh, and her singing. She's in.

Later, Jersey. Oh, crap. That was just Day One.


Next up is a singing waitress at a restaurant in Times Square. We see clips of her singing at work so, let me guess, she's in. Devyn Rush can sing. Big surprise. Blech, scatting. ST thought it was delicious like dessert. Jen Jen loved it. RJ says she is not dressed the part, so it was unexpected. JLo tells her that she is a star and she needs to start acting like that and looking like that. She's in. Duh.

Really, Randy? "It's a singing competition first, and that girl can blow!"

More terrible singers. One guy looks as terrible as he sings. The judges give false to one contestant by singing along with her. Steven Tyler calls Randy a bleeping bleephole after he coldly tells the chick no.

Commercial! Smartphones! Why don't you have one?

Crazy Japanese dude does crazy Michael Jackson dancing. A.k.a. Yoji Pop says he has been imitating Michael Jackson since he was two years old, no before he was born. He was moonwalking in the womb, suckers! But he isn't going to sing Michael Jackson for us, he is singing Miley Cyrus. I can't understand a damn word out of his mouth. Oh, and he isn't a good singer. He does whip out a couple smooth MJ moves, but his dancing pretty much sucks, too.


Oh, no. This Miley Cyrus song, "Party in the USA," is the one they make all the contestants sing, so now we are treated to a medley of suckitude, punctuated by my husband's farts. This is truly the worst.

Commercial! Coming up, it gets worse!

Yeah, it really does.

Steven Tyler begs of one contestant from Staten Island, "Please be the next American Idol. Please." Since we have to listen to her scratchy-voiced dad talk about doo-wop, I am guessing she is. Oh, he had throat cancer. Way to be a jackass, Michelle. Her name is Brielle. She has a nice ass, but you can't say anything about it because she is 16. She sings "Endless Love" well enough to get through. Steven Tyler is taking over Paula's job of starting off with a compliment about her clothes and her hair. The judges ask the dad in. Why? Who the hell knows. To witness them all saying yes to her, I guess. Jen Jen and Randy say she has some work to do but she has potential and she is going to Hollywood.

Brielle? Kenzie? What the fuck are people naming their kids these days?

Commercials! Drink Coke or else you're a Communist!

Sob story! I need to win so I can support my family! We lost our home in the recession! There are murders in our neighborhood! The last contestant in New Jersey! He likes the Beatles! He sings it all jazzy! I am nearly done! Steven Tyler asks for another piece! Jason Mraz! "You done done me." That's right, AI. Why you gotta do me like that? Are you still reading this? His bleach blonde mom is crying in the hallway. COME ON ALREADY. The judges let in another 16-year-old. His mom totally loses her shit.

The judges selected 51 people from New Jersey auditions to go to Hollywood. See you tomorrow, in New Orleans.

Live Blogging American Idol: The Winner!

I am starting an hour in so that I can FF through all the commercials. No way I could stand two hours of this. I usually check email and Twitter and Facebook during the commercials, but I have to stay away from those things tonight. I would be so pissed if I saw a spoiler.

Did you see in the news today that Simon's ex-girlfriend, a reporter for E! or Extra, was attacked leaving the show last night? Some random crazy tried to strangle her.

The DVR says this is scheduled to go until 10:07. That is so freaking ridiculous.

Judges are introduced. Montage of Randy Doody saying "for me" and "for me, for you" about a thousand times. Montage of Kara calling people "sweetie" and "honey" as she tells them they suck. Montage of Paula (slightly less orange tonight, hair still looks like crap) reciting a vocabulary list. Montage of Simon saying "what?" and "pardon?" over and over.

Kris Allen and Adam Lambert come out. Paula is crying already. Their microphones don't work so we don't really hear what they are saying. Mikalah Gordon is a crazy, lollipop-head of a fish-faced presenter in the crowd in Kris's hometown of Conway, AR. Carly Smithson is a normal-looking presenter in the crowd in San Diego, CA, Adam's hometown. Oh, she was a former contestant on AI. I wonder if fish-face was, too.

Husband says it is time for another KidzBop song as the Top 13 are reunited onstage to sing "So What." We watched only long enough for me to type the previous sentence.

David Cook is up next singing his song "Permanent." I'm having a sudden attack of heartburn, caused by pregnancy, or coincidence, or this boring suck of a song. FF!

Now it is a cheesefest of a segment called the Golden Idol Awards where we are subjected to the worst of the worst of the original auditions. Those early auditions are my least favorite part of this show. They are so painful to watch. Yet, I am watching them again because this is the only part the husband actually likes. Nick Mitchell, a.k.a. Normal Gentle (who I liked in the competition) wins Outstanding Male, whatever the hell that means. What it means to me is that I am going to have to suffer through a later segment for Outstanding Female. I am betting Bikini Girl or Tatiana win that one.

We are treated to a short performance from Norman Gentle.

Huh? Next up is a duet with Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah. I might actually watch this one. Why didn't Lil do this in the competition? Maybe she would have made it farther. I love Queen Latifah but, girl, a stretchy catsuit is not the right choice for a big girl. Husband started whining and hit FF.

Anoop and that blondie (Alexis?) who lost singing "Jolene" are singing with Jason Mraz. We are reminded why they lost. Oh, it gets worse! The Top 13 KidzBop choir joins them for the chorus. At least it was short.

Now we get to see Kris Allen's journey. It would be a lot more interesting if they had clips of him singing at the various stages of the competition so that we could remember how he was in the beginning and see how he has changed. Producers, you suck. Kris is singing "Kiss a Girl" with Keith Urban. This is a good song for him. I wouldn't mind being the ham in that country sandwich.

FF through the commercials and a group sing with the girls and the Black-Eyed Peas. If I had the remote, I'd keep on going straight through the Golden Idol Award for Best Attitude. Alas, the husband is on remote duty tonight. Bikini Girl is the first example of bad attitude. The next girl flips Simon the bird and calls him an asshole. The final chick is just all around terrible. Bikini Girl wins! I knew it! She comes out in a bikini and clearly has had a boob job since the last time. Ryan, "I was going to ask you what's new, but I think I know." Good god, we have to listen to her sing. She is still sub-standard. Ha! They had Kara come out to sing with her or, rather, show her up, which she totally does. Bikini girl looks PISSED! It is the most HILARIOUS thing I have ever seen on this show. Then Kara rips open her dress and flashes her bikini. Kara even beats bikini girl with the bod. Girlfriend has some abs!

This show ruins everything. "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper is one of my all-time favorite songs and they have Allison Iraheta destroying it in an acoustic duet with Ms. Lauper. I can't listen. It pains my soul.

Kris's mom is wearing a terrible dress for her. His parents are sweet, though, as Ryan interviews them in the audience. Then he runs over to the Lamberts. I think Adam dressed his mom.

Danny's consolation prize is that he gets to sing alone, I guess. He is singing "Hello" by Lionel Richie in the most overwraught rendition I have ever had the misfortune to hear. Do I hate everything tonight or is everything truly vile tonight? Mr. Richie joins him onstage during some point in the FFing, so the husband stops. It appears to be a Lionel Richie medley. I am thinking this is really exciting and entertaining to see live but, here, in my family room, this show is excruciating.

Now we get to see Adam's journey. Again, it would be nice to hear some clips of him singing. Adam is singing something and wearing some sort of cage/wing/shoulder pad contraption over his weird Mad Max outfit. Not only does he have eyeliner, he has glitter eyeliner. Oh, I see, because he is singing with KISS in full KISS make-up. Now he is the least crazy-looking person onstage. Adam got the best duet of everyone. He can outsing these dudes and rock just as hard.

Carlos Santana is up next. He is going to be playing at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas for the next two years. I might go see that. Who is going to be singing with him and ruin "Black Magic Woman" for me? It's a mystery! So far, it is just a long solo guitar intro. Oh, there it is. Matt Giraud. Husband: "Oh, here they all come. Now they're really going to fuck up some good songs." He isn't wrong and we FF through the rest of the Santana medley.

Kris and Adam both get free Ford Fusion hybrids in their last Ford commercial.

Next, Steve Martin (huh?) is singing with Megan Joy Corkrey and Michael Sarver. Sarver isn't terrible. Megan Joy is. Steve Martin is rocking the banjo and wrote the song, which is lovely, and is called "Pretty Flowers." It is on his new album. I may have to check that out on iTunes.

FF through the next commercial and the guy group sing and Rod Stewart, who I have never liked. Surely we're getting close to the end now. Please, let it be so. Close, but we still have to suffer through the Outstanding Female category of the Golden Idol Awards. These are truly terrible, but I have to admit that, were I to audition, I would sound exactly like most of those girls. Tatiana! I knew it! I am an American Idol psychic when it comes to their cheeseball antics. They do a bit where they pretend they are running out of time but she runs up onto the stage and sings the same song she has sung three times before on the show. Some of the people in the audience seem to think it was wasn't a total set-up based on the looks on their faces.

Final song of the night is with Kris and Adam and Queen. Fucking Queen. If that isn't skewed toward Adam, then I don't know right from left, good from evil, Paula from Simon. Anyway... FF.

Ryan gets Simon's reaction before giving the results. Simon sincerely says they are both brilliant and incredibly nice people and should both be proud of what they have achieved. Holy crap, almost 100 million votes last night.

SHOCKER! The winner is Kris Allen, not Adam Lambert. I gasped so hard I nearly passed out. Kris looked truly shocked and Adam looked sincerely happy for him. Kris is speechless and says, "It feels good, but Adam deserves this." He is quite inarticulate in his state of complete shock. No way in hell Adam doesn't get a record deal out of this. Simon doesn't even stand up and looks disappointed.

Now we have to listen to the terrible "No Boundaries" again. No, we don't! We can FF one last time this season. I am thinking I might have to retire from American Idol live blogging. Farewell, my lovelies!

Live Blogging American Idol: Top 2 Sing

Ryan is making ridiculous comparisons about Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, the final two. The glam rocker vs. the acoustic rocker. Conway vs. California. The guy next door vs. the guyliner.

Simon is actually wearing a sportcoat. What? Paula's hair looks like it was french-braided until about five minutes before the show started.

They are each singing three songs tonight: their personal favorite of the competition, one chosen by Simon Fuller, creator of the show, and the winner's first single, co-written by Kara DioGuardi.

Poor Lamberts. Adam was a screamer who didn't sleep through the night until he was 18 mos. old. This baby in my belly better not get any ideas from hearing that.

Adam's first song is "Mad World." Ooh, spooky with the trench coat and the backlighting and the stage fog. He's all brooding in a very "love me even though I am the undead" sort of way. Classic Adam. No complaints, but also no surprises.

Randy is so completely mismatched I don't know how I missed that during the introductions. He gives Adam an A+. Kara is so happy he chose that song. She looks a little undead herself. Nude lipstick; it isn't for everyone. Paula is proud of him. Haunting, theatrical, she keeps on talking. Simon always thought this was his best performance. Simon says it was "over-theatrical" with the coat and that it was Phantom of the Opera, to which Randy responds, "No, Twilight. Twilight." I told you, the undead.

Aw, how sweet. Kris was shy when he was a kid and wouldn't sing in front of his family unless they paid him a quarter. Last year, he gave his mom a coupon book for songs.

Kris's first song is "Ain't No Sunshine." I guess that was the judges favorite of his, but not mine. I actually forget which one was my favorite, but I remember I LOVED it. I'll have to look it up and edit this later. There is too much orchestration (is that a word?) for my taste on this song. I think that is what I meant when I said I didn't like the arrangement last time. I think the arrangement is fine, there are just too many instruments playing. Is that the same thing? I know nothing about music. Of course, he sang it well.

Randy says it was one his best performances ever on this stage. Kara says he has a way of creating an intimate bond with everyone in the audience. Paula says he awakens the spirit in all of us. Dear lord, she is completely orange. Simon says he wasn't sure if America had made the right choice last week but is now sure after hearing that performance.

Ryan asks Simon to call round one. Simon says it goes to Kris.

Husband said he thinks the top two should both get albums and then the person who sold the most after a month wins American Idol. But what would be the prize then? I don't think just the title of American Idol would be sufficient then.

Adam's second song is "Change Is Gonna Come." It's a bluesy song. This is not my favorite. I wish he didn't ALWAYS have to go into the high-note rock screech. Randy says he can sing his face off. Kara says it was the best performance and the best interpretation of a song in this competition. Paula says it was the best she has heard him sing, ever, ever, ever, OMGMYNIPPLESARESOHARDANDSHOWINGTHROUGHMYSHIRT. Simon says he is 100% back in the game.

Kris is singing "What's Going On" for his second song. Acoustic slow jam time. I think Kris might win. He has more mainstream appeal than Adam does. I would buy both of their albums, but I would listen to Kris's while imagining myself making out with Adam. (I don't care if he is gay. I'm still hot for George Michael.)

Randy says it was a little light for him for this stage in the competition. Kara says he hasn't wavered and some crap about social consciousness. Paula says he tore it up. Simon says it was like three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye and that it was too laid back for a night like this.

The local news just had a clip of Allison's reaction in their promo. Still can't stand her. Oh look, there she is acting like a spaz in the audience.

Adam is up first singing the winner's single. Did Ryan say the name of it? If he did, I missed it. Not loving it from the start. Cheeseball just like all the past singles have been, but it is slightly more interesting. Slightly.  If this were any other night, the judges would be saying, "Poor song choice," to this one.

Randy says Adam can sing anything but that wasn't his favorite Adam performance. Kara, of course, gives herself props for being a co-writer and doesn't really say anything to Adam other than thanks for singing it. Paula blah, blah, blah. Simon clearly thinks the song is stupid but says he won't judge the song, he'll judge Adam. He says Adam is one of the best, most original contestants they've ever had on the show. He genuinely believes Adam can be a worldwide star.

Now it's Kris's turn to sing "No Boundaries." He has a case of the mush-mouth. Husband is making groaning and wretching sounds and says, "What is this, week three?" I agree, this is not the big sing out that it should be. Husband says, "I knew this song would be too much for him." He is totally outmatched by Adam on this one. Now I am thinking that mainstream appeal doesn't trump talent and Adam will win. This is leaning toward terrible.

Randy looks like he doesn't want to say what he has to say. He says Kris should be proud of what he has done in the competition. He and Kara both think the key was too high for him. Kara doesn't want him to be judged on that song. Really? Then why did she write such a shitty song? Paula shut it. Simon says his highlight tonight was the first song and that watching him on this stage has been incredible because he has come so far and thoroughly deserves to be standing there now.

I'm calling it for Adam.

Ok, so the reason they are going long is so that we can hear Carrie Underwood sing some song over a montage of this season. Who gives a shit? Ryan warned us at the beginning of the show that it would go long. He also said tomorrow night would go long, so plan accordingly. Seriously? The show tomorrow is two hours long when it could be two minutes long. And I am the sucker who is going to watch the whole thing.

American Idol Recap: Top 4 Results

I did watch the whole show last night, I just didn't feel like live blogging since I watched it so late, so here are my thoughts the morning after.

Allison bugs me. I wish she wouldn't talk.

I like how Ryan emphasized that the finalists would be chosen in random order. My ass. They just weren't presented in order of most votes to least. They were clearly presented in the order that would create the most sensation. First, Kris is safe. "What?! OMG! How can that be! Those other three should be the top three." Blah, blah, blah. I totally called it right before Ryan said it.

"Well, surely the gay one will go home then since this is a popularity contest." Not so, Grandma. Adam was safe, too! "What?! OMG! How can that be! Those other two should be the top two." Blah, blah, blah.

With just those two left, I first said, "I hope Allison goes home." Then, "No, Danny." Then, "No, Allison." Then, "I can't decide which of those two I like the least." Allison it was. The least liked contestant by me and the rest of the country.

Next week, the finalists sing two songs each. They'll sing one chosen by the judges and one they choose for themselves. I am about 100 times more interested in what the judges are going to choose than I am in what the finalists are going to choose.

Speaking of singing, there was some of that last night, too. Paula sang. I posted this on Twitter yesterday, "Does anyone else feel weird about Paula Abdul singing her new song on American Idol tonight? I feel strangely nervous for her." I don't know what I was imagining, but it wasn't nearly as bad as that. The singing was that stupid electronic voice crap that I hate, but the dancing was straight up (ha) Paula Abdul. She didn't embarrass herself.

No Doubt also sang. Apparently they are going on tour even though they don't have a new album out. The tour is supposed to inspire some new songs. I am not sure I have heard them live before. Do not like. They even sang one of my favorite No Doubt songs.

Daughtry was the last to sing. I actually liked them. About 30 seconds before the end of the song, the husband said, "Ok, I am totally bored by this now." It was really samey.

So, that's it. More AI posts next week, of course. And, in the meantime, I am actually going to an opinion about a couple other things on this blog!

American Idol: Top 5 Results

Simon admits that, after watching the show again from last night, he thought everyone was good.

Thank goodness I am watching this on DVR so that I can FF through Taylor Hicks. He was my least favorite contestant ever. Of course, I am also FFing through the group sing. It is never worth it.

There were messy kitchen hijinks in the Idol mansion in the past week. Ryan presents Danny with a bill for $6000 to clean up the mess they made. Ha, ha. Great gag. Yawn.

They are all asked to stand up. Matt felt good about his performance. Matt has to move over to the right side of the stage. Danny said he studied other performers in preparation for last night. He is asked to move to the left side of the stage. Allison is inarticulate and insincere. She is asked to go stand next to Danny. Kris says he wouldn't be there if he didn't think he could win. He is asked to go stand next to Matt. Adam laughs and says he has never been compared to Michael Phelps before (as Paula did last night). Ryan asks Adam which group he thinks he should go stand in. He hems and haws and then says that based on last night, he should probably be with Allison and Danny. Ryan drags him over to the other group, which turns out to be the bottom three. Danny Gokey looks shocked that Adam is in the bottom three.

Paula says it's crazy that those three are the bottom. Simon says it isn't crazy, that there are only five left and someone has to go home, and not to take away the credit that goes to the top two. (Blech.) Randy says that no matter what happens, all five of them are unbelievably talented. Ryan comments that Kara's jar dropped when he announced Adam in the bottom three. She says something about her mouth opening every time Adam is around. Lots of throat clearing and blowjob innuendo lead us into the commercial break.

Natalie Cole is singing a song from her album STILL UNFORGETTABLE. Talk about running something into the ground. I really dislike this kind of music, so guess what? FF through Natalie Cole, the commercial break, and right on through Taylor Hicks. He might be a great singer, I just can stand to look at him.

Finally, something is happening. Kris gets sent back to the chairs because he is safe.

Based on KtP's semi-smug spoilery comment a little while ago on the last post, I think Adam must be going home. I already knew he was in the bottom two from a spoiler on Twitter earlier in the evening. I guess I can't go online at all as soon as AI starts showing on the East Coast.

I will not immediately FF through Jamie Foxx, but there is a pretty good chance I won't last the whole song. He has that stupid computer effect voice thing going on, so the only reason I am still listening is that I can't FF and type at the same time. THAT is the number one song in America? Cripes.

I keep losing the remote because I set it down in the deep valley between my breasts and my giant pregnant belly.

Yay! KtP didn't ruin it for me. Adam is safe and Matt is going home. The bottom two made sense for last night's performances and Matt going home makes sense, too. There is enough time for Matt's good-bye montage and for him to sing. Which means one last FF!

There is even time for last words from the judges. Paula wastes most of the time with her gibberish. Kara says one of the best things they did was save him. Randy says hot and heat and something else. Simon says have fun, enjoy, blah, blah, blah.

Next week is Rock & Roll with Slash as the mentor. What? I think Kris will be the weakest and go home.

Live Blogging American Idol: Top 5 Sing

Finally, Paula did something about her armpit chub. The bodice of her dress is crazy big and flares over the offending area.

It's Rat Pack week and Jamie Foxx is the mentor because he played a member of the Rat Pack in a movie. That's pushing it, yes? It's not that I don't have love for Jamie Foxx, but... Oh, apparently, he is a classically-trained musician with a double platinum R&B album. I had no idea.

Jamie Foxx says he loved everybody. So surprising coming from a mentor. I don't think I've ever heard that before. Ever. Since the last mentor.

Kris Allen is singing "The Way You Look Tonight." Jamie Foxx said Kris is not trying to perform "throat Olympics." Summation: he was impressed with Kris's heartfelt performance. I have to say, it is pretty smooth, and he seems like a better singer than he has in the past. I hope he edges out Danny Gokey to stand with Adam Lambert in the top two.

Randy thinks it was his best performance to date. Kara praises his technical abilities. She totally copied me but used real singer words. Paula praises his looks first. Shut it. Simon thought it was good but isn't as enthusiastic as the others because he thought it was "a little wet." He doesn't get the feeling that Kris can win.

Allison Iraheta has already started talking to Ryan by the time I push play on the remote. We have this Total Home DVR thing, so I am watching this upstairs in bed even though the DVR is downstairs in the family room. It is pretty awesome. The only downside is that there is delay in response. It worked for the best in this case because I missed all the interview and mentor crap going on while I was typing that boring crap about my DVR. I did catch that Jamie was giving her tips about putting some feeling into the song. It must have worked because this is the first time that she actually sounds a little different from her usual rocker self. Very nice, little Allison. I don't hate her this time.

Randy loves it. He says some stuff. Kara says she is not just some rock chick and that she'll be in the finals. Paula says she delivered. Simon puts her on the spot and asks if she thinks she can the competition at this stage. She hedges a little while trying to say yes. Simon says he doesn't feel that from her and has a horrible feeling she could be in trouble tonight. FYI, she sang "Someone to Watch Over Me."

Ryan hawks tickets for the AI tour. It's coming to like 900 cities across that country. No thanks. Matt Giraud is singing "My Funny Valentine." Jamie Foxx suggested a key change, but I didn't really get it. Matt is singing a little lower than he usually does. I don't think this is better than some of his past performances. It is good, but not as good as Kris's and Allison's performances in regards to singing. I also didn't feel the emotion from him that I did from the other two.

Randy said it was one of the hardest songs to sing ever and that Matt was up to the task but was a little pitchy and it didn't quite all come together. Kara also didn't feel the emotion. Matt did not like that comment, so I guess he was putting all he had into it, which I think means he would be a terrible boyfriend. Paula did feel the emotion. Simon thought it was the only believable, authentic performance tonight and thought Matt was "absolutely brilliant."

Danny Gokey is up next and just seeing his dopey smile before they cut to commercial is enough to make me want him to lose. Allison came back from me hating her, but I doubt Danny can do the same.

He is singing "Come Rain or Come Shine." He said he is not changing it up but is making it a little bluesy. Jamie Foxx gets all up in his face, seriously like three inches from him. I don't really get what that was supposed to accomplish, but Jamie felt like it worked. Danny Gokey sounds like Danny Gokey. I wonder if he thinks he is going to win. Those judges who said they didn't feel the emotion from Matt better say the same things about Danny, because compared to Danny, it seems like Matt was singing to his dying lover on her death bed. Danny just seems like he is trying to sing the life out of this song. He did. He sucked it dry.

Randy... hey, how come Randy gets to start first every time tonight? Randy says Danny could have a whole album of songs just like that. He does kind of poo-poo the "emotional connection" argument and says this is a singing competition and Danny can sing. Kara says he had swagger, which was missing before. Paula: "Stellar." Simon agrees about the swagger and the confidence. Simon gives Jamie props for his mentorship in general, but for what he brought out in Danny in particular.

Adam Lambert is singing "Feeling Good" with a rock edge. Jamie says Adam is going to knock everybody's head off. Adam Lambert sounds like Adam Lambert. I was kind of hoping he would play this one straight. Ha, ha. Get it? I think it would have been nice to hear just a good old Rat Pack song sung in their style.

Randy thought it was a little too broadway for him but that it was another good performance. Kara says he is confusing and shocking and sleazy and superb and she loves him. Paula says he makes her feel better than good. Simon says he likes that he gets the feeling that Adam is actually wanting to win.

Hasta manana, chicos. 

(Top two prediction: Kris and Danny)

American Idol: Top 7 (Again) Results

Two will go home! Who will it be? The anticipation is too much! Whatever.

Paula choreographed the group sing this week. She has won awards for that you know. She is wearing some sort of high heel wedge sneakers in rehearsal. Right. Fast forwarding through this shite. Let's get down to some judging. Oops, fast forward through the Ford "music video," too.

Lil Rounds is asked to walk to the far side of the stage to stand in some random spot. And she is out! Wow, that was fast. She gets to sing one last time. Sounds the same as last night. Hey, camera guy, thanks for the close up of the pattern on her dad's shirt. One of the judges apparently said, "Why didn't you sing like that last night?" while she was singing. The judges all have nice parting words for her.

FF through the old people singing a medley of the disco.

Kris Allen is safe. Adam Lambert gets LOTS of screaming when he stands up. Oh, the lack of suspense. He is totally safe. Danny Gokey tries to hug Adam to steal his mojo. Danny is sans glasses tonight, but is a little beardy. His accent is strong tonight. They are dragging this one out, for what purpose? Of course he is safe.

Anoop Desai is in the bottom three, so says Ryan. And there are only two people left, Allison Iraheta and Matt Giraud, so I guess they are both in the bottom three as well. So why do we have to chat with them about last night's performances? Matt is safe tonight.

I can't believe I totally got the bottom three right, for once. Not counting Matt, but counting Lil. I figured they would do both eliminations together. Instead, they got Lil out of the way and then went on as usual, as if there was only one elimination for the night. Poor Lil, forgotten so quickly and she didn't even get a good-bye montage.

Poor me. I caught up on the DVR and now I can't FF through David Archuleta's performance. "Touch My Hand" is a terrible name for a song and this little dude is a terrible singer. I didn't watch the season he was on. Everyone left in this competition is a better singer than he is. Oh, I guess he made it to the final two on his season. He didn't win, though, did he?

In case you haven't noticed, I hate everything tonight. Suck it.

Anoop is going home and Allison is safe. I knew it. Poor Anoop! I hope something good happens for him, meaning some sort of singing career. Ugh! I so don't want to hear this song again. I wish they got to choose any of their past songs for their last song.

Really, for being a choreographer, Paula's dancing at the table is awful. It makes me think of old ladies dancing to Top 40 songs at a wedding reception.

Lil does get her montage after all. She and Anoop have to share one. They are both smiling and are keeping is classy. I hope something good happens for her, too. Anoop thanks the vocal coaches and the band. Lil thanks the judges.

Top 5 next week but Ryan didn't say what they are singing so now I hate him, too.

The end.

American Idol: Top 7 (Again) Sing

Maybe they really are trying to make it on time for once. The judges are already seated when the show starts and Ryan walks out. Ryan introduces them, but they don't get to talk. And then it is right into a Chaka Khan song from Lil Rounds, "I'm Every Woman." Husband says, "Blech," or, "Yilch." Eh, whatever. I think it was pretty good, but I am over her.

Randy says she got the disco party started, and that she can sing, but it didn't show her vocal control and it was kind of wild. Kara says America and the judges have been waiting for her to sing someone big like Chaka Khan, but that it wasn't worth the wait. Kara also says Lil has been every woman on that stage, every woman but herself. Simon says, "Oh, Lil, you look so sad." Lil falls back on, "I had so much fun tonight." Simon thinks it is her last week since it was completely unoriginal.

Kris Allen sings "She Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer. He has the guitar and is playing an acoustic version with a few band members on stage. I'm diggin' it. I'm just sad that they couldn't find something for Kris to wear, forcing him to perform in his pajamas.

Kara says he took a big risk and it paid off. Paula said it had a classy Santana feel to it. Simon says it was a polar opposite to Lil's performance: well thought out and original. Randy says Kris has proven that he is ready for the big time.

Danny Gokey is singing "September" and it sounds seriously cheesy and ridiculous. Lil outsang him and Kris outawesomed him. I have no idea why Paula is standing up and dancing unless she is still planning a courtesy hump for Danny. It appears that Danny has been working on his dancing. He is showing more energy, but with no discernible improvement.

Randy says Danny turned the song into something that worked for him. Kara says he is an incredible vocalist and that his pitch is always right, but she hopes they remember his performance by the end of the night. Paula says he has the sexiest voice ever. Simon mostly agrees with the other judges, but he felt like the performance didn't have star power and was awkward and clumsy.

Allison Iraheta is singing "Hot Stuff." Oh, look, Allison is a rocker and is singing this song like a rock song and wearing leather. Snooze. Right after I typed that, husband said, "She's got chops, but it was kind of boring."

Randy thought the arrangement was over-indulgent but she is one of the best singers in the competition. Kara agrees. Paula agrees but in a less succinct manner. Simon says it was a brilliant performance.

Adam Lambert is singing "If I Can't Have You." He is singing it like a ballad. Paula thinks he is singing to her, by the look on her face. She gives him a standing ovation and I think she'd be holding up a lighter if she had one.

Randy says Adam is ready right now and that he has shown them his full range. Kara says he is brilliant. Paula looks like she is not going to be able to speak when Kara is done. Paula says something pervy about her visceral response and feeling his pants (or his pain). Simon says he didn't feel the pain and would have bet $10,000 that Adam was going to do Donna Summer. He loved the originality. Adam gives props to the guy who did the arrangement.

Matt Giraud is singing "Staying Alive." No changes to the arrangement, but he is definitely putting his stamp on it. Way better than Danny Gokey's disco version of a disco song. I think Paula just likes disco. She has stood for every song.

Randy didn't love the song choice or the arrangement but says Matt can really sing. Kara says he brought disco back and that she liked to see him move; a solid performance. Paula thinks he is staying. Simon says he didn't like the performance because Matt has to get himself out of Idol-land and put himself in the real world. Desperate, unoriginal, and the vocals weren't great.

Anoop Desai is singing "Dim All the Lights." He has creepy facial hair, so he's out next week. He is singing his song as a ballad, but nowhere near as well as Adam did. Wait, it changes and now it's not a ballad, it is just cheesy slower version of a cheesy disco song. This is a total lounge act.

Randy says the last note was rough and he didn't love the arrangement and that it was kind of corny but that Anoop can sing. Kara thought it was a great song choice. She liked the beat and thought it sounded like it could be on the radio. Paula likes the look tonight and the three-day beard. Simon disagrees with everyone and says it was mediocre at best; a horrible version of the song and Anoop's worst performance so far.

Bottom three tomorrow: Lil Rounds, Anoop Desai, and Allison Iraheta. Only the white guys get to stay!

Not Live Blogging American Idol: Top 7 Sing

My midterm paper is due on Thursday and I always wait until the last minute, so that means I have tonight and tomorrow night to write it. Therefore, I will not be live blogging American Idol this week. I do have it on in the background while I am working on my paper (probably not a good idea), and I will say this just in case you've forgotten: I want to hump Adam! I even like Eyeliner Adam and I don't usually go in for that.

Bottom three for tomorrow: Matt Giraud, Kris Allen, Lil Rounds. However, I'd rather see Danny Gokey there instead of Matt Giraud, or even Kris Allen.

Live Blogging American Idol: Top 8 Results

Calling it "live" blogging is pushing it a little since I never start on time. On the other hand, no one reads this while I am posting it anyway, I am really performing for a laugh track in my head instead of a live studio audience.

Dear American Idol, I don't really need to see highlights from last night because, you know, it was just last night. I still remember. Thanks.

Flo-Rida and Kelly Pickler will be performing later. Tough call as to who I am looking forward to the least.

Randy's Grandma embroidered a paisley sweater for him. I think it's really sweet of him to wear it on national television.

And this is the part where I complain about the fact that the results show is an hour instead of the half hour it could be, as we so some time filler about the year Simon was born. Oh, it was a set up for some old famous dude to sing the song live that they were showing in the clip. Frankie Valli? I don't know.

Nope, Frankie Avalon, and the song was from 1959.

FF through the group sing because it is excruciating every time. FF through the Ford infomercial music video.

Ryan asks Adam, Kris, and Anoop to stand up. WTF is up with the leather opera gloves, Paula? Adam is safe. One of the other two is in the bottom three and it is surprisingly Anoop and not Kris.

FF through Flo-Rida because I seriously hate that shit. Dude is LARGE and tatted up. He is not unattractive or inarticulate. I just don't like that kind of music. Darn, we caught up with the live (recorded from an earlier telecast) broadcast.

Danny Gokey, please stand up, then sit back down. Wow, AI, way to woo us with the suspense. Matt Giraud is next. Also safe. I wonder if there would be a divot in his forehead if he got that mole removed.

Ryan: "Scott, please stand up."

Husband: "Bottom three!"

Husband and I were both right in our predictions and Scott joins Anoop on uncomfortable $500 stools. I blame the singing. Husband blames the hair.

Allison and Lil are asked to stand up. Allison looks like a butch lesbian and Lil looks pretty again tonight. I was right about her going to the bottom three, though.

Husband thinks Scott is going home.

Simon says this is the first week they would actually considering using their save, that it hasn't mattered before now. He says "one in particular." I think they would save Lil for sure and consider saving Anoop but ultimately decide not to.

FF through Kellie Pickler. Oh, wait, I forgot we're live now. Forced to listen to the whole thing. Husband makes his disgusted sound. I think he means the singing and the song. She looks great. I think I am starting to sound like Paula, falling back on comments about looks. Pickler goes down to the judges table and sits right in front of Simon. He checks out her rack and looks a little uncomfortable. Now that I have actually listened to the lyrics, I kind of like this song. Ryan reveals that Kellie co-wrote the song with Taylor Swift, for whom she opens on tour.

Lil goes back to safety on the couches after a cruel but quick psych out on Anoop. Husband says Scott is out, is there any question, but then backtracks and says people will vote for Scott because he is blind and not Anoop because he isn't very good looking. I think Anoop could use a little grooming in the eyebrow area.

Wow, it was really Scott with the lowest number of votes. Anoop didn't fare much better with only 30K more (out of 44MM). So, Scott's going home. No way the judges will save him and I don't think he thinks they will either. He was nodding before Ryan even said his name.

Simon says two people think Scott should say and two think he should go. Ryan talks with Scott while the judges discuss. The judges go back and forth a little, but Simon ultimately makes the decision and says no. I'm glad. I think they will need to use the save next week and I am glad they didn't waste it on Scott, who can't win.

The show actually has time for Scott's farewell video. Paula says Scott has been an inspiration. See you next week, suckers.

Live Blogging American Idol: Top 8 Sing

Running a little behind tonight because I was crying over a blog post that made me sad while the husband was doing the Wii Fit, but I am good to go now and at least I won't have to watch commercials. I love DVRs.

The theme tonight is songs from the year the contestants were born. We see baby pics of all the judges and Ryan. Randy was the cutest of the bunch.

Danny Gokey was born in 1980, and is the oldest contestant, and is singing Mickey Gilley's version of "Stand By Me." He isn't two lines in before the husband says, "Pitchy," and I say, "Boring." Sound familiar? I hope this isn't the same as last week, when I was bored by the whole thing and hated everyone. Oh, but I do hate this performance. This is quite possibly the lamest version of this song I have heard. Husband disagrees and thinks it's better than the original. Randy didn't love the arrangement but said Danny is such an amazing singer that Danny made him love it. Kara says ditto. Hump-happy Paula says he set the bar so high no one else will be able to catch up. Simon says overall it was great.

Kris Allen was born in 1985 and wanted to be a taxi driver when he was little. He is singing "All She Wants to Do Is Dance." He gets to be in the audience scrum this week. I really hate that. Also, I might be grumpy tonight. I am enjoying this more than Danny's performance. Husband feels the opposite and made some sort of disgusted sound just now as he passed through the family room. Kara liked the up tempo but said it felt like an assignment for music class. Paula said he made it his own and is one of the most likable contestants ever. Simon agrees Kris is likable but says it was indulgent, boring, and forgettable. Then some girl in audience yells out, "Kris, you're hot!" Simon says, "So am I, but it's not about that." Randy agrees with Simon that Kris came across as a guitarist who wants to sing, not a singer.

Lil Rounds was born in 1984. Lil is her real name, after someone named Lily. That's what I thought all along, because I am totally smart. She is singing Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do with It." Husband makes the loudest disgusted sound ever from the kitchen as soon as she starts singing. I love her hair and make-up tonight. She looks great. I think she did really well but maybe the judges will say it was too much a sound-alike. Paula says Lil looks hot and then rambles through a bunch of words without much meaning. Simon sums it up for Paula and agrees that it was copycat sort of performance and that they have lost who Lil is. Randy repeats it all. Lil looks sad at the critique. I feel sad for her. I think I am still sad about that blog post. He says there are lots of other songs from that year that could have been better for her. Kara doesn't add much new. Lil takes it like a champ and says she hears the judges and will try to do what they say and change their minds about her.

Anoop Desai was born in 1986 and is an only child whose parents took so many pics of him by himself that they ruined picture taking for him. He tells Ryan he is sorry for sassing Kara during the judging last week because that isn't how he normally is and not how he wants to present himself. He is singing Cindy Lauper's "True Colors," one of my all-time favorite songs. It is nice and smooth, but lacking a little bit of heart that I think comes from having a little bit of quirk in your voice, like Ms. Lauper and some other guy I have heard singing it. Randy thought it was a very nice, controlled vocal. Kara agrees. Paula loved everything. Simon says he is like a singing yo-yo; up one week, down the next. This was an up week, but Simon didn't think it was fantastic. He also says that Anoop doesn't need to apologize for anything; the judges can be horrible to him and he can be horrible back.

Scott MacIntyre was born in 1985 and loved trains as a kid. His mom looks YOUNG. He is singing "The Search Is Over." He is not at the piano this week. He is standing at the mic and playing electric guitar. He doesn't look awkward. His movements are much more natural here than during the hokey group sings. Some notes, not so hot. Kara commends him for playing the guitar and taking on a difficult song, but maybe wouldn't have picked it for him for that reason. Paula has lipstick on her teeth and calls him out on missing the notes, "but overall, bravo." Simon says he should go back to the piano because that's where he is comfortable. Simon says the song was horrible (the song, not Scott) and that the guitar playing wasn't much better. Randy says it was just all ok, but didn't show Scott as a star. Scott says he was trying to show his versatility.

Allison Iraheta was born in 1992, the year I graduated from high school. For some reason her pediatrician said she was going to be a singer because she talked so much. What? She is singing Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me." I love her hair this week, but I kind of hate Allison from the moment she opens her mouth. Her facial expressions seem so fake. Her singing is great and gave the husband goosebumps. Paula says Allison gave all of her heart and that this is a perfect example of a contestant making the song her own even without changing the arrangement. Simon says that it was good but now they need to figure out how to make her more likable, to get her personality to come out more. Randy says she reminds him of Kelly Clarkson and that she can "sing her face off." Kara said she took the adult content in that song and made it believable and young. I don't quite agree on that point.

Matt Giraud was born in 1985. Fortunately, he did grow into his ears. He is singing Stevie Wonder's "Part Time Lover." Paula and Kara get the foreplay going by standing up and dancing almost immediately. This is way better than last week's terrible performance. Kara is spent already, but Paula is still going strong. This is definitely his own version and not Stevie Wonder's. I liked it. Maybe this was my favorite so far. Randy says that it was vocally one of the best of the night. Kara says unbelievable on every level. Paula says, "Two words, standing O." I think that is technically a word and a letter. Simon says it was a million times better than last week. They rushed through the judging because they are over time AGAIN.

Thank goodness we started recording FRINGE  or else we would have missed Adam's entire performance. Get it together, American Idol.

Adam was born in 1982. Oh my gosh, he was blond and freckled. He is singing "Mad World." He has his old hairstyle back, so my love for him has also returned. I like this version and I think it was a very good performance, but maybe not enough variation in the song. Simon is the only judge talking because there is NO TIME, he gives Adam a standing ovation.

Watching the recaps, Matt was my favorite, Adam my second favorite. Bottom three for tomorrow night: Scott, Kris, and Lil.

Live Blogging American Idol: Top 9 Results

"Recorded from an earlier telecast" really means "why didn't you learn to stay off other websites until it airs on the west coast so that you don't accidentally see a spoiler again?" Related: Fuck you, Yahoo!

I refuse to recap the Ford "music video" and the group sing. Then there is the "day in the life of a contestant" segment, which makes me wish I wasn't watching this live and could fast forward.

After a ridiculous number of contestants impersonating other contestants, they finally get to the elimination part. Ryan has Megan, Kris, and Matt come down the the stage, then has Adam, Lil, and Allison come down to a different part of the stage and stand together. The final group of three - Scott, Danny, and Anoop - come down to stand in yet another part. Ryan says one of those groups could be the bottom three. Not exactly what I was expecting, but if it is one of those groups, I would guess it's the first one.

Before we find out, American Idol David Cook sings his new song. He's wearing pocket protector jewelry, so I see the AI stylists got ahold of him before the show. This song is boring. Even David Cook looks half asleep. The drummer, however, is rocking his shit, like this is a metal band in a sold out stadium.

Kris is safe. Seems like Ryan is doing this one by one, so whatever. Matt totally thought he was going home or in the bottom three, but he is safe, too. Megan is overly cocky, and she is in the bottom three. She caw caws and flaps her arms over to the dreaded stools. Seriously. I'm not making up that part.

In the next group, Lil is safe. Allison didn't think her outfit last night was terrible, but I guess voters did because she is in the bottom three. I guess it is one person from each group in the bottom three because Adam is safe.

In the final group, Danny is safe. Scott's hair is too fluffy! He needs Justin Timberlake's haircut. Simon sits slackjawed at the judges table. Randy thinks it's Anoop, not Scott in the bottom three. Anoop thinks so, too. They're both right; Scott is safe.

Megan, Allison, and Anoop are in the bottom three, but Lady Ga Ga is singing before we find out who goes home. I am surprised about Allison, but I am glad it wasn't Matt.

I've never actually heard Lady GaGa before. Since I am 100 years old, I mostly listen to talk radio in the car. She's a really good singer. Quite full of the crazy, yes?

Allison is heading back to the couches because she is safe. She is the only one the judges would have even considered saving. Megan puts on a fake scared face, which makes me hate her. Anoop heads back to the couch. Megan ca-caws and I super duper hate her now. Simon says they aren't even going to think about saving her so she can go ahead and sing without worrying about it. Her jangly bracelet distracts me from this terrible performance. I think she forgot some words. I didn't think it was so bad last night. Maybe her annoying behavior is coloring my feelings today. 

The show is finally ending on time enough for us to see her farewell montage. She was so much less annoying in the beginning. She is bawling while watching this. And laughing.

Next week is songs from the years the contestants were born.