American Idol

American Idol Live Blog 2-10-2011

It's the kick-off of Hollywood Week. A bunch of kids scream their fool heads off when they get to the hotel, which looks like a regular hotel. Half of the contestants are going home today.

First up is Brett Loewenstern, a.k.a. Simply Red Mini. He sings "Let It Be" with a lovely, scratchy voice. He makes it in along with a girl named Symphony and an unnamed black kid. A few more unnamed kids make it in along with an annoying girl from NY, named Rachel Zevita. Thia Megia makes it in, too. Casey Abrams, too. All these kids are annoying the crap out of me with their song choices already. I hate that jazzy crap.

Aw, sweet-as-pie Victoria Huggins is up now. She sings a very pageanty, shouty rendition of something annoying. Oh. She did not make it. Sad for her. Not so much for those of us who plan to watch the rest of the season.

The next group contains James Durbin (Tourrettes guy from last night) and Paris Tassin, the mom of the deaf girl. She does a fantastic job on "My Heart Will Go On." He rocks it out on some song I don't recognize, but isn't as good as he was last night. Stormi Henley, who impressed the male judges with her looks, but got a "no" from Jennifer, does ok, but Jennifer was right the first time around. Lauren Alaina does a great job on "Unchained Melody." Stormi doesn't make it, but the other three do, along with an unnamed black chick.

Chris Medina, the one with the fiancee with the traumatic brain injury, leads off the next group. I wish he would cut his hair. He was so much cuter. He does not do nearly as well as he did at his audition, but he is the only one in his group who makes it through.

Montage of a bunch of girls losing their shit on stage. The nerves are too much for some of them, but not for Jacee Badeaux, the tubby 15-year-old. He is just great. Robbie Rosen does a nice job, too. Hollie Cavanagh does well, too, but maybe she was sharp? There was something I didn't like. They all make it in.

Accountant, Steve Beghun, is apparently young enough to be on the stage, but he doesn't look it. Dude looks my age. Good thing he has a day job because he is out. A bunch of other people didn't make it either, and there are tears, oh, so many tears.

The show came back from commercials, but I didn't notice because I was busy checking out SXSW parties. All I missed was product placement from Ford. First up is a montage of kids who just suck. If they had done this poorly during auditions, they definitely would not have made it this far.

AI makes a big deal about an ex-couple and a current couple. The ex-bf has a nice voice, but he sings so slowly, I worried he'd fallen asleep. The ex-gf sings very well, too. Nick Fink, one half of the current couple, is very cheesy in his shiny jacket. Jacqueline Dunford has nice eyelashes. One makes it in but the other doesn't. They'll tell us she made it, after the commercial.

I was right. She's in, he's out. Also, she is cuter than he is. He begs for a second chance. He thinks he would have done better if Randy hadn't cut him off. He sings on his way out of the auditorium. It isn't good. Randy tells him no. Ah, desperation.

Scotty McCreery, the kid with the baritone, is up next. He is great again, with the same song he sang for auditions. Jackie Wilson sings the same song again, better this time. Jerome Bell wants to get it on with me again. They make it in with a few unnamed kids.

Up next, looks like a trainwreck.

Tiffany Rios, the one who had the stars on her tits, is boastful and has glitter in her hair. Her singing is overwrought. Jennifer says, "I like her. She's crazy." Travis Orlando, cute kid who was in a shelter or something, does a terrible job on "This Love." She makes it. He doesn't. Poor kid.

More people made it through, including a couple cuties from last night, and the White House intern from a few shows ago. Also, a hot mess made it through.

Next week, is the group portion, where they have to team up with a few others to perfom. I don't like that part. So much drama. See you then!


American Idol Live Blog: 1/20/2011

Live blogging starts at 8 PM sharp! Keep refreshing the page for updates.

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The New Orleans auditions took place in October. Some guy sobs and plays the piano and wails something about smiling while the jerks at AI flash, "He won't be going to Hollywood," on the screen.

My preschooler is arguing with me about the bed time routine, so I am missing the BS about the line and New Orleans. Ryan Seacrest is trying to say something in French. He is not successful.

Right off, we are in the house of a piano teacher. Let me make a prediction here: He's going to Hollywood. My house is smelly. My husband needs to take out the trash when he gets home. The piano teacher's name is Jordan Dorsey. He is 21. He brought all kinds of family with him. His grandma tells Ryan Seacrest that he looks taller on television. Jordan sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" with a unique arrangement. It's smooth. He's in.

Magenta Lopez matches the set.

A bunch of fugs are coming up after the.... Commercial!

Swamps! Alligators! N'awlins! Montage of weak sauce singers! One girl refuses to stop.

Sarah Sellers has lips like Steven Tyler. You can see the wheels turning, wondering if he missed an illegitimate child. She has a lovely voice and cute shoes. She's going to Hollywood. Jennifer Lopez says Sarah is one of the best they've heard.

A 23-year-old who looks like he is going to play Young Rocky in a flashback, and who works in a ship yard, is wearing a very wide tie. He wants to lay down the law on Jennifer's humps. He sings something in Spanish. He compliments the other two judges so that they don't feel too bad when he loses his load on JLo. He's in, but for some reason, he is getting undressed and Randy and Steven Tyler want to join in. Ok, Shipyard looks good without a shirt. Aerosmith isn't bad, but I never want to see Randy's belly again.

Apparently these auditions lasted until March because it's Mardi Gras after the commericals!

I just realized the show came back on and I didn't even notice. IT IS THAT EXCITING!

The next girl up brought pictures of Randy in high school. Her dad (grandpa?) was Randy's football coach in high school. There is a creepy bit about paddling Randy's butt. The girl is so good, Jen Jen looks like she is going to cry. Randy picks his teeth. Seriously. He says she has a powerful voice. She is going to Hollywood.

Teenage Simply Red is up next. He has a sob story about being picked on. Hey, Red, maybe if you got rid of the giant lady hair, it would help your cause. He sings Queen, very well. Dear, AI, please make this kid cut his hair when he gets to Hollywood. Gushing! Fabulous! Hot! Hollywood!

After the break, more people who suck and more of Randy's patented Crazy Eyes. Commercial!

New Orleans is the birth place of jazz. I hate jazz.

Why do some guys have such gross hair when they would be so attractive with a normal hair cut? I'm looking at you Gabriel Franks. He is singing "Bad Romance" and I like it, even his crazy facial expressions, but not the talking parts because I hate talking in songs. JLo is squirming. Steven Tyler faults the song choice. The NO is quick and unanimous, and it kicks off the montage of losers. One girl looks like a zombie. One dude looks like the King of Spades.

Commercial! Make-up!

Crap, more losers.

Alex is from New Orleans and he went to American Idol Camp. For reals. He was ripped off. This dude can't sing, which comes as a complete surprise to him. Steven Tyler says he strayed too far from the melody. Randy says, "It was terrible, truly terrible."

Now, a porky 15-year-old named Jacee. A girl's name for a boy. Nice parents. He slays the judges with "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay." They let him sing almost the whole song. They are charmed. Of course he is going to Hollywood.

Coming up, a girl with black hair has a sob story that make JLo cry, but not ugly cry. Commercial! Buy a hybrid or you are a capitalist pig!

Paris is 23-years-old and the last person to audition in New Orleans. She got pregnant when she was 18 with a hydrocephalic baby. She decided not to abort. Keira has hearing loss and her momma is singin' for her. She sings Carrie Underwood's "Temporary Home" because it has meaning to her. Sounds like it could be about her, so much that it makes JLo cry. Christ, me too. She is really great. Now everyone is crying. She is going to Hollywood.

Oh, thank goodness, this is not two hours tonight. New Orleans yielded 37 more AI hopefuls headed for Hollywood. Jennifer Lopez was so moved by Paris that she stops to meet the kid and say good-bye to them both on the way out.

See you next week in Milwaukee!


American Idol Live Blog: 1/19/2011

Live blogging starts at 8 PM sharp! Keep refreshing the page throughout the show.

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 "Your judges for American Idol! Randy Jackson! A piece of leather! Hennifer Lopess!" The judges were introduced to a wild screaming crowd, but the footage was presented like it was a clip from last season.

Jennifer Lopez wants to change someone's life. I have lady wood for Jennifer Lopez. Steven Tyler is thirsty and hungry for a new Janis Joplin. Steven Tyler killed my lady wood.

Randy Jackson has dropped the "dawg" and replaced it with the "wow." I can't believe this is season 10. I think I watch every third season or so.

Clips from the judging. Jennifer Lopez has a different hairstyle in every single shot of her. Steven Tyler is cracking my shit up. Randy Jackson is exactly the same but with uglier glasses.

This year's winner gets a record deal with Interscope Records, helmed by Jimmy Iovine, who will be working with contestants throughout the contest, hopefully producing a better debut album for the winner than we have heard in the past.

Commercial! Man, I haven't typed this much, this fast in a long time.

New Jersey auditions took place in a fricking STADIUM full of people.

[delay due to naughty preschooler]

So, it's true. Acid washed jeans are back. Curly-haired chick auditioned in Season 6 and was cut on the first day in Hollywood. She can sing. [Please take note of my specific, technical critique.] The judges are less than impressed, but they let her through because they think she has potential to be better. Jen (we're besties, she said it was ok to call her that), lets her through based on her Season 6 audition, but tells her to get it together or she'll be cut on the first day again. Ouch.

Caleb wears a tiny tee with horizontal stripes. What the fuck, dudes? Buy tees that fit. And shave. This is an audition. He sings ok, then his voice cracks, then he is thrown a little. It wasn't that great, but the judges are gushing.

Tiny-tee

A 15-year-old named Kenzie. Of course that's her name. She goes to performing arts school. She's good, kind of smoky and twangy at the same time. Steven Tyler says he didn't feel "that pizazz." Randy agrees. She sings better than the other two combined. I am already irritated with the judges. She's in. Jen's with me and says, "You two are crazy."

Astounding. Yes. I like you! Yes, yes, yes! Welcome to Hollywood. That felt so good. And, a bunch more are through.

Here come the terrible, painful screechers. First up is a girl from Ivory Coast. She said she is singing a Madonna song, but I can't even tell what it is. Steven Tyler tells her she is terrible but uses technical words, which really softens the blow. Jen, doesn't know how to tell her she sucks. Randy says, "Singing is not your thing, baby."

Commercial! Time for diet root beer. Looks like there will be crying coming up.

Ryan makes some cracks about Jersey that I don't care about. Shots of truly horrific fashion. Ugly chick with cardboard gold stars taped to her tits. Really. She thinks she's hot. Really. She told us. Also, she wants to make Jennifer Lopez cry. She can't even look at JLo without going into the ugly cry. Jen Jen gives her a hug and tells her to pull it together and "do great." She's singing an original song about being put through to the next round. She screeches a high note but first whips out the tits. She puts them away to sing a real song. It's a lot better. She is a little overly dramatic with her movements. ST: "You proved to me you can really sing your tushula off." She's in.

More terrible singers. I get that people want to see the train wrecks, but I am so grateful that American Idol has really cut back on these. ST seems to be the most sensitive of the judges and lets the contestants down as easy as he can. JLo just can't tell them no, until she encounters an Amber Riley look-a-like who pushes her over the edge.

Robbie Rosen was in a wheelchair when he was five because he had hip tendonitis. They bothered to interview his mom so, clearly, he makes it through to Hollywood. Also, he made me feel like a dusty bag of bones by saying he has dreamed of coming to American Idol since he was seven years old. He kills "Yesterday," one of the only songs I like by the Beatles. Leatherface likes him. JLo makes his head explode by telling him she thinks he's cute. Randy's his old self again and expounds upon "crazy, mad vocals."

Robbie-rosen

Commercials! Some girl bites it on the stairs and crawls away in utter humiliation.

Montage! Steven Tyler gets pervy over any barely legal thing with long legs.

Nerdy Boy Scout made a nerdy PSA about not texting while driving. Did AI show it to us because he gets through or did they show it to us just to embarrass him? The judges make fun of his Opie straw hat and ask him if he is going fishing. Oh, he's terrible. That's just mean, AI.

Commercial!

This spazzy dude burps when he is nervous, so we are treated to a montage of that. He can kind of sing, but he is so into "Proud Mary" that it is truly embarrassing. JLo tells ST to make him stop. ST asks him if he ate a lot of paint chips. Spazoid says he can do better but, really, he can't.

They film the next contestant coming out of the porta-potty. Way to keep it classy, AI. This girl is rough, but she is fun. She idolizes Britney Spears. She wants everyone to have to hear sing. She kills "Gimme, Gimme" from Thoroughly Modern Millie, and is met by silence. She is crying and asks, "So, is that a no?" Jenny tells her she is more for musicals than AI. She begs in a very endearing and outgoing manner, then breaks down sobbing. It's still a no for Randy, but JLo caves and so does Aerosmith. She is, hands down, my favorite so far. I love a hot mess.

Commercial! H&R Block will do your taxes. Dude, that's a downer I didn't need right now.

Sixteen-year-old Something Huggins from North Carolina is sweeter than pie and more annoying than anyone else I have seen in a long, long time. She is vlogging her AI experience. I can only hope this will be the last installment. "I am in it to win it." "I've got what it takes." "It is my time to shine." She can sing and the judges are charmed. She throws out a, "Yo, yo, dawg," to get Randy on board with Jen and Leatherface. God help us all, she's in.

Sugary-sweet

The last person to audition is a former refugee from Kosovo. She was a little girl when her family moved to the United States. Cue the heartwrenching war montage. Her parents looks so sad and so hopeful. Oh, thank goodness, she can sing. ST likes her understated beauty, oh, and her singing. She's in.

Later, Jersey. Oh, crap. That was just Day One.

Commercial!

Next up is a singing waitress at a restaurant in Times Square. We see clips of her singing at work so, let me guess, she's in. Devyn Rush can sing. Big surprise. Blech, scatting. ST thought it was delicious like dessert. Jen Jen loved it. RJ says she is not dressed the part, so it was unexpected. JLo tells her that she is a star and she needs to start acting like that and looking like that. She's in. Duh.

Really, Randy? "It's a singing competition first, and that girl can blow!"

More terrible singers. One guy looks as terrible as he sings. The judges give false to one contestant by singing along with her. Steven Tyler calls Randy a bleeping bleephole after he coldly tells the chick no.

Commercial! Smartphones! Why don't you have one?

Crazy Japanese dude does crazy Michael Jackson dancing. A.k.a. Yoji Pop says he has been imitating Michael Jackson since he was two years old, no before he was born. He was moonwalking in the womb, suckers! But he isn't going to sing Michael Jackson for us, he is singing Miley Cyrus. I can't understand a damn word out of his mouth. Oh, and he isn't a good singer. He does whip out a couple smooth MJ moves, but his dancing pretty much sucks, too.

Crazy-japanese-guy

Oh, no. This Miley Cyrus song, "Party in the USA," is the one they make all the contestants sing, so now we are treated to a medley of suckitude, punctuated by my husband's farts. This is truly the worst.

Commercial! Coming up, it gets worse!

Yeah, it really does.

Steven Tyler begs of one contestant from Staten Island, "Please be the next American Idol. Please." Since we have to listen to her scratchy-voiced dad talk about doo-wop, I am guessing she is. Oh, he had throat cancer. Way to be a jackass, Michelle. Her name is Brielle. She has a nice ass, but you can't say anything about it because she is 16. She sings "Endless Love" well enough to get through. Steven Tyler is taking over Paula's job of starting off with a compliment about her clothes and her hair. The judges ask the dad in. Why? Who the hell knows. To witness them all saying yes to her, I guess. Jen Jen and Randy say she has some work to do but she has potential and she is going to Hollywood.

Brielle? Kenzie? What the fuck are people naming their kids these days?

Commercials! Drink Coke or else you're a Communist!

Sob story! I need to win so I can support my family! We lost our home in the recession! There are murders in our neighborhood! The last contestant in New Jersey! He likes the Beatles! He sings it all jazzy! I am nearly done! Steven Tyler asks for another piece! Jason Mraz! "You done done me." That's right, AI. Why you gotta do me like that? Are you still reading this? His bleach blonde mom is crying in the hallway. COME ON ALREADY. The judges let in another 16-year-old. His mom totally loses her shit.

The judges selected 51 people from New Jersey auditions to go to Hollywood. See you tomorrow, in New Orleans.