What I've Been Reading (Links Galore)
When I Was Fifteen

50 Reasons It Sucks to Be Fat

I am having gastric bypass surgery tomorrow. If you have been reading my autobiographical posts, you know I have been overweight for two-thirds of my life. I started looking into gastric bypass in February. I decided to go through with it in May, after my mom was killed in a car crash. I don't want to struggle with my weight until the day I die, like she did.

At my last weigh-in, a couple weeks ago, I weighed 286 pounds. I am 5'6" tall. I imagine I will weigh about 280 tomorrow when I go in for surgery. My scale is broken, so I don't know for sure.

I wrote the following list on July 11th, when I weighed 295 pounds, my highest weight ever.

  1. I weigh as much as the Olsen twins, plus one of their friends.
  2. My feet hurt.
  3. I'm not pretty anymore because my face is so fat.
  4. My knees hurt.
  5. I can't find cute clothes in my size.
  6. Even cute clothes in my size look like crap on me.
  7. I can't wear skirts because of the painful chafing of my thighs.
  8. I can't wear heels.
  9. Even my armpits have rolls.
  10. Skin tags.
  11. I can't do my own pedicures.
  12. Sex is [redacted]*
  13. My ankles swell up at the end of the day.
  14. I haven't worn a dress since my wedding day.
  15. Heartburn.
  16. Even one flight of stairs has me breathing heavy.
  17. I'm too heavy for my bike.
  18. No one ogles me.
  19. Stretch marks everywhere.
  20. I have two bellies, one below my waistband and one above it.
  21. My breasts are sad sacks.
  22. My butt moves independently of my body.
  23. I've damaged my body so much that when I do get to my goal weight, I'll need plastic surgery to attain even an approximation of a normal body.
  24. I rarely want to take my girls for a walk or to the park.
  25. I don't want to be seen in a bathing suit.
  26. I barely want to be seen fully clothed.
  27. I'm not as fun or as interesting as I used to be.
  28. I want [redacted]
  29. Shaving my legs is a chore.
  30. I don't even want to walk to the next block for lunch.
  31. I needed a seat belt extender on my last flight.
  32. My blood pressure and cholesterol levels have crept up (but are still normal).
  33. I sweat.
  34. I'm lethargic.
  35. I don't fit into the bath tub.
  36. I don't want to go to Magic Mountain anymore because I am afraid I won't fit on the rides.
  37. I don't have enough pictures of me with my kids.
  38. I'm worried about [redacted]
  39. My seatbelt buckle digs into my hip.
  40. I didn't buy a Miata because I thought I would look ridiculous.
  41. I can't play comfortably on the floor with my girls.
  42. I can't wear tank tops. I mean, I don't.
  43. I had to get my wedding rings resized.
  44. I had to turn down an opportunity to get a free mini-wardrobe from Gap for a blogging conference I [was] attending. They don't carry my size.
  45. When I was pregnant, I had to mail order most of my clothes.
  46. And no one could tell I was pregnant.
  47. [redacted]
  48. [redacted]
  49. I can't run.
  50. I am too embarrassed to take yoga classes again.

*This is from my journal. I didn't remember there were a few things that were a little too personal to post.

Comments

Twenty Four At Heart

Good luck tomorrow - I will be thinking about you and hoping for a speedy recovery!

Jessica Gottlieb

I am so proud of you for sharing this, if #24 was your one and only reason this would still be a journey worth taking.

Let it be known that on the day you feel unafraid to go to Magic Mountain I'm dropping everything and riding the coasters with you.

Brian

Good luck, it really hits you how much it affects your life with the kids. I keep joking about how I really don't need to save money for the kids' college since I'll probably die before they go and they'll have my life insurance. I'm only half-joking.
As for #10, I keep hoping my skin tags will eventually grow to become full appendages. Aren't geckos able to regrow full limbs?

Karla

You'll be in my thoughts tomorow. Thank you for sharing so much personal stuff. Wishing you lots of luck with this process!

Peeved Michelle

Thanks, all.

24: I was thinking of you when I had my biopsy recently. It was such a little procedure with so much less pain than you've gone through. I can't imagine going through what you have.

JG: My husband and I had our first date at Magic Mountain.

B: When you met me, I was at my thinnest as an adult. I had just lost 40 lbs and had about 30 lbs left to lose.

K: Let's talk next week. I know you have some questions. I'm not ignoring you.

simplyjuanita

Powerful reasons, some of them really hit home with me. I wish you the best of luck tomorrow and a quick recovery.

Jennifer Khaki

Very powerful and incredibly brave of you to share. Love you and Miss you and will be thinking about you Michelle!!

Otherleah

I love you so much right now. You're my hero.

liz

Hugs on your journey Michelle

meribon

Best wishes Michelle. Can't wait to see you next year at BlogHer!!

blaugra

Awesome post, awesome person.

cynlee

You and I share many of the same reasons. I hope everything went well.

P.S. Where do you get the refills that say "things to do at work," "...at home," etc?

Desiree E.

Hope everything went well, and sending positive thoughts your way. BTW, I would have to disagree with #27...even though we haven't seen each other in ages, I must say that I thoroughly enjoy your writing and sense of humor. Keep up the good work, Michelle!!!

Peeved Michelle

Thanks, everyone. I have been posting short updates on Facebook and Twitter. I will probably only post monthly updates here, but I will post next week after my follow-up with the surgeon.

Cynlee: I make the page inserts myself, in Excel, and I use the Circa punch to make the holes.

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