I used to write for a friend's web mag, Clark Schpiell Productions. This piece was published there September 20, 2004 (my 30th birthday, coincidentally).
One year ago, I wrote "Three Boys I'd Like to Do It With." The celebrities I would have been able to have sex with over the past year with permission from my husband were Justin Timberlake, Orlando Bloom and Benjamin McKenzie. But I'm 30 for Christ's sake and those boys don't do it for me anymore.
Brad Pitt, though out of the running for a full year, has managed to increase his virility and sex appeal through pills, a pact with the devil or good, old-fashioned plastic surgery. Brad successfully fought Orlando Bloom for my affections and won, reclaiming his place among the select group of men who can ravage me anytime they want. Farewell, Keebler Elf.
The ways of a woman are fickle and my dear Benjamin's show has been off the air for many months now. It didn't take long for him to fall from favor. Waiting in the wings was Michael Vartan, who so easily slipped into Ben's vacant position that I barely noticed his absence. That is what happens when network shows take a summer hiatus and are replaced with five-year-old movies like Never Been Kissed.
This is where the free sex thing starts to get a little dicey. It is one thing for my husband to say that I can bump uglies with a famous stranger I may never meet, although living in Los Angeles makes meeting someone on the list about a hundred times more likely than living in, oh, I don't know, North Dakota. In fact, I could have made the two-backed beast with George Stults or Kyle Chandler last week, if either of them had been on my list. It is another thing entirely for my husband to give me a free pass to knock boots with random strangers who work in my building. So, tall-brown-haired-guy-with-cute-jeans-and-flip-flops, it wasn't meant to be for you and me. I hope you are an actor and get a part in something real soon. In the meantime, don't get creeped out if you catch me staring at you while you are waiting in line for your Cajun Chicken Wrap.
Who is last on the list? Did Justin make the cut? Have the lyrics of "Rock Your Body" been rolling through my head for the past 365 days? No, JT is no longer on the list. The fact that he was dating a woman older than me wasn't enough to keep him in the top three, but I feel as if the last spot must remain open for a rocker. I saw Johnny Rzeznik perform "Sympathy" live on TV awhile back and he had just the right amount of tenderness, muscles, and tattoos. I don't normally go in for that greasy rock star look but, damn, that man is hot. Your time is now, Johnny. I'm waiting.
I know that some people find me intimidating and to make it easier on these three guys who want me, I won't make them come to me. I will go to them. Don't be scared fellas, you won't have to make the first move. I'll take care of everything.