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Three Men Who Want Me

Three Boys I'd Like to Do It With

I used to write for a friend's web mag, Clark Schpiell Productions. This piece was published there September 15, 2003.

Threeboys Every married person I know has a list of famous people they get to have sex with if they ever meet. My husband's potentials include Marissa Tomei, Denise Richards and, rotating in and out of third place, Heather Graham and some redhead named Dina something who was in Starship Troopers. I think she played a slut.

For the longest time, my list consisted of Brad Pitt, Gabriel Byrne and Elijah Wood, who I would, of course, wait to defile until he turned 18 and decided to like girls instead of boys. After the first X-Men movie came out, Hugh Jackman replaced the aging Gabriel -- sorry, old man. After the Lord of the Rings came out and I saw a teeny tiny Elijah with huge, hairy feet, he was out. I replaced Elijah with Tom Welling when I started watching Smallville. I figured I needed to keep a youngster in the ranks.

Something started happening in my life that I'd failed to notice. I and all of my friends were hurtling toward thirty at an alarming pace. By the time that the Lord of the Rings came out on DVD, several of my friends had actually turned thirty and were wondering why they weren't married. We didn't think they let you cross that border without a husband.

After one life-changing episode of Smallville, I came to realize that I, like the haggard villainess, could retain my youth by sucking the lifeblood out of young boys. After seeing the Lord of the Rings for the second time, I also came to realize that Legolas was hot. I normally don't go for that blond hair, black eyebrows thing (see any Madonna video made in the 90s), but Jesus, my pants were on fire for that freaking elf. Adios, Hugh Jackman -- there's no room for a father figure with a new man-boy in town.

My new list consisted of Tom Welling (firmly cemented in the number one spot after the ass shot in one particularly fine episode last season), Orlando Bloom (Are elves anatomically compatible with humans? I never read the books.) and Brad Pitt, who was beginning to wheeze and walk with an arthritic limp.

Then a funny thing happened to one of the NSync boys, none of whom had ever appealed to me even remotely. He made a little commercial for Bally's gym. They used clips of his new music video. Suddenly, Grandpa Pitt had some competition. Justin Timberlake, you can Rock My Body any damn time you want. Yes, you will have me naked by the end of this song. With daily viewings of the video on LaunchCast, JT quickly soared to the top of the fuck list -- that shit is hot -- knocking Tom Welling back to a distant third.

I know what you are thinking, "Tom Welling, really?" I know, I was thinking the same thing. Then, a couple weeks ago, one of the new Fall shows started early. The O.C. has the cutest little thug there ever was. Benjamin McKenzie is a year older than Tom, but I still think that there is plenty of vitality to be sucked out of him.

Justin Timberlake, Orlando Bloom and Benjamin McKenzie: three boys I'd like to do it with. I don't see any changes to the roster in the near future unless, of course, the new Nickolodeon line-up has some surprises in store.


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